It’s been a while. Sorry for being MIA. Hope you didn’t miss me too much!
For today’s subject, I’ll be focusing on better describing and translating an experience that has been enveloping my being in the past couple of months. This seems a little abstract, but I’m sure as I continue to depict this experience, it will be more relatable as you continue through this article.
To begin, I feel as though there has been a veil or a lens that has been slowly acclimating in concordance with the added responsibilities and roles that I have assumed. To clarify, this veil or lens has accelerated a droop in my eyes, which is only a somatic manifestation of the stress that I have been feeling as I continue to dive deeper into the working world. There has been a noticeable shift in the quality of work that I was able to deliver to my clientele, which only adds to the cognitive disparities that I’ve already been experiencing. While the quality of work being diminished may not be noticed by my clients, it’s noticeable for me due to constant awareness of my thoughts passing and preventing my ability to be as present during my sessions. There has been a weight added that encompasses my thoughts, continually perpetuating and propelling my thoughts to move towards the next responsibility or task that must be completed within that day, which soon transforms towards tasks and responsibilities that I must complete in the following days. When I find myself feeling the weight of this veil or lens, it spirals my thoughts of productivity to consider the long-term investments that I am creating by my present-day behaviors and actions.
“Well, J, that sounds like burnout.”
Well… perhaps. From the way that I’ve conceptualized burnout, it implies the development of an inability to not only deliver the same quality of work or deliverables expected, but it also leads to lowered levels of motivation and a deepening sense of hopelessness over time. I do not feel hopeless. I do not feel the lowered levels of motivation. I’m finding myself being more motivated than ever to perform, leading to the chasing of an unimaginable bar of performance and quality. But that’s the part that gets me– this is a bar that can never be achieved. Why is it that I am relentlessly chasing after an abstract concept of success that I have never seen or experienced. How can I chase after something that I do not even know exists? In addition to this, I have recognized that the veil or lens is a weight that I feel when I continue to move “upwards”. To put it simply, it’s gravity. I have now experienced gravity in my relentless efforts towards providing myself stability and financial security. Perhaps I have been feeling gravity my entire life, but this is the first that I have become aware of its existence and the acknowledgement of the relationship that I have with it. The role that it serves is only a deterrent. It’s a transparent, subtle blanket of distress that tugs me downwards away from the unfathomable bar of success.
The question now is: why does this exist? Why is it that I am able to now operationalize these sensations of stress? What function does it serve, if not to prevent me from achieving what I initially thought would be success? Maybe it’s redirecting me and informing me that what I’m doing already is enough. Maybe it’s telling me that it only gets harder. I can’t tell. But I’m feeling the weight, and it’s only getting heavier. Fuck.