As a preface, this post is free associative by nature.
It’s been a while since I’ve written about loneliness and feeling alone. Today, I feel lonesome. I found myself being more anxious, with more time than I had anticipated, coupled with debates about how to go about my day, compounded with thoughts that exacerbate my insecurities. Insecurities that stem from thoughts revolving around my inability to identify my interests, my understanding of the self, the lack of passion that I desperately seek after. I can find myself playing the flute, but even that seemed lonesome. I can get lost in my work, I can get lost in my words that I type, I can lose myself and enter flow when I engage in things that I want to be, but for today… all I can think about is being alone. I feel lonesome again. Unwanted. And it’s an irrational thought. It’s irrational to think this way, yet my brain automatically creates associations about me being alone and not being in contact with the few individuals that I’ve been in contact with recently. I’m once again finding myself being alone, but even though I am, it’s lesser to the extent in terms of intensity. I don’t find myself being as upset or wanting to sit deeper in my feelings or thoughts. I’m just noticing them, acknowledging that I’m feeling alone. I’m acknowledging these engagements within my intrapsychic, but there’s less of an obligation or gravitation to address these concerns. I’m pretty much rambling, but these are my thoughts that I’ve been noticing. I’m wondering what this implies. Why is it that from before when I was alone, it was completely devastating to the point that it would shake my core? That it would scare me and terrify me in ways that I found unimaginable? It’s strange to see myself at this point where I know that I am physically alone, but I don’t have urges or emotional impulsivities that encourage me to disengage or engage with these maladaptive thoughts. I’m just acknowledging them. I see them. They are solely existing within the inner self but not manifesting in emotional reactions.
So, what occurs when I’m able to distance myself from these thoughts? Well, I notice I’m at a lower baseline in terms of relative well-being. The average has slightly shifted downwards as a result of external circumstances. Overanalysis of interactions has led to assumptions that create expectations and emotional reactions that are slightly higher in intensity than I would like. It’s important that I’m able to notice this shift and notice these changes, but the question is, what do I need to do to improve my well-being? How can I intervene and mitigate feelings of loneliness? My mind immediately goes to doing things that will either distract me or to do things that I want to do to elicit positive feelings. Things like, playing the flute again today. Things like, going for walks and being in the sun. Things like reading, things like lifting. But these are activities that I engage with everyday, so why does it feel like such a chore today? Where did my motivation go to continue doing these things? As a result, I’ve decided to deconstruct my day in the way that I want to. To do things impulsively and let go. Look at things and see if they elicit some kind of positive response from myself. For example, I decided to free associate in today’s blog instead of thinking twice about my words or how they sound. Another example is that after finishing these thoughts, I’m going to a random fish shop, not to get a fish or anything related. Just because I want to. I’m curious about it, and as a result, why not? I think I’m going to leave this here. Hopefully I’ll reference this at a later point and in hindsight, look at this post with a different lens and re-approach the subject matter with a fresh perspective. By the way, the coffee shop that I’m writing this from has amazing coffee and has bicycles for sale. Amazing.